My Authentic Self pt.1
I’m on the Queer spectrum. I’ve been on that spectrum my entire life but due to upbringing I was conditioned into believing I was straight for way too long. There were times that I was considered “boy crazy” and I was because I was unsatisfied and trying to find a way to fill space that within me. Since coming out so much more of my life makes since. My coming out was mostly to myself because the people closet to me had been waiting a long time for me to know that about myself. I’m thankful they allowed me to go through that. It was months of back and forth in my mind before I turned to a friend. I asked her about the feelings I was having about this beautiful scared being that bounced into my life and sang with such beauty. I had been obsessing over, having feelings I’d hadn’t allowed in before. I didn’t think it’d be fair to act on it since I was soooo straight. My friend told me to go ahead and tell this person my feelings and that she was so happy I had these feelings. Which was not the reaction I was expecting. This led to many more conversations with my friend before I got the courage to tell that person how attracted I was to them. The simple act of knowing I was queer was enough for me. I was going to be happy even if I never slept with someone because I knew who I was. This had been the conversation I was having with my crush were having before they kissed me.
I’ve gone through many stages on my Queer awakening. When people would ask me what I was, and me not fully knowing or caring about the label. I’d reply, “I didn’t come out of the closet to be put in a box.”
I really wasn’t sure what I was. First thought I was a Bi woman, then thought I was a lesbian, now I’m sitting in a place of being fluid nonbinary. There’s a splash of pan in there as someone’s energy is very important to me. I still don’t want to be placed in a box and I will answer to all pronouns, They/Them being my favorite.
Recently, I was informed that someone I hadn’t spoken to in at least 6 years doesn’t believe my queerness, that it’s fake and just a phase. It’s not the first time I’ve heard this, but I’m still mystified that they have these stories about my life. These are people on the queer spectrum and whom I had thought had a very close relationship with, that they knew who I was. I don’t care the reasons they’ve created this delusion and are wanting to hold this story about me. Their stories of me are valid only to them and they can have them. I know who I am and that’s all that matters. It’s unfortunate for them to miss out on the amazing person I am.